We are expecting it to be a busy few months here at Newcastle United.

Therefore we enclose the amended and updated copy of “Guidance For Shills” for April 2016.

(Shill – definition – ‘An accomplice of a confidence trickster or swindler who poses as a genuine customer to entice or encourage others.’)

We hope this one will help you with approved talking points and responses during your online activities. Usual bonuses apply.

MIKE’S GENEROSITY

Phrases like “Mike has shelled out £80m” are to be strongly encouraged, particularly after the recent publication of the accounts. We know he promised years ago never to put another penny of his own money into Newcastle, and he hasn’t. But people always believe what they read. Even if that isn’t a lot.

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?

Remember to remind everyone that Mike is a billionaire and that this proves that he is one of the cleverest people ever born. Was Shakespeare a billionaire? Or Mozart? Jesus?

Exactly!

BLAME THE BOARD

We invented the concept of the Board for no other purpose than to protect Mike from criticism. Anyone who works for Mike anywhere will tell you their over-riding role is to “protect Mike.”

So don’t be afraid of offending Lee or Bobby. They’ll thank you for it.

THE FAT SLAGS

It is always worth pointing at the record of the old regime. Remember how they laughed at our womenfolk? Never fail to point out that they also won nothing. It’s called “equivalency” ….the comparing of two superficially similar records. It may look a bit pathetic trying to blame people from a decade ago, but, hell, The Tories spent 18 years blaming everything on the Winter of Discontent.

SUPPORT THE REGIME, NOT THE TEAM

Always introduce yourself as a season ticket holder of very many years standing . You have seen it all before, and much worse. This will explain that while you have showed no inclination whatever to comment on the do-or-die relegation struggle going on that may affect generations of fans, you are now Angry of Newcastle over these unwarranted slurs against Mike.

PAL

Always refer to anyone who responds to your comments with scepticism as “Pal”, regardless of their age or sex. It conveys the correct impression you would like to headbutt them, but should not draw you to the attention of the moderator.

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE

It is absolutely vital that we re-enforce the message that Mike does not give a fig what the fans think.

So it is important that each of you repeat the message “Mike doesn’t care what the fans think, so all we can do is support the lads, isn’t it?” at least twice an hour during your daily blogging activities.

STAY POSITIVE

If all else fails, appeal to positivity. The concept is the invention of charlatans and designed to make people work harder with fewer resources for less money without complaint.

It is now on the school syllabus and children who fail the subject can now be sacked. Experiments on laboratory rats have discovered the very mention of this word can reduce the hardest of men to whimpering acquiesce.

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