I won’t hide the fact that seeing Mike Ashley squirm on Sky News the other day made me smile…

Reading his well-rehearsed “aren’t I hard done to guvnor” speech in the written press also made me chuckle and the fact that he is steadily being backed into a corner and forced to appear before MPs, against his wishes, is absolutely hysterical to me.

After nine years of seeing his malevolent presence systematically destroy the club which used to be Newcastle United, I take a huge and personal amount of pleasure in anything unpleasant which happens to this odious, morally bankrupt despot with the personality of celery.

However, clearly the rotund one has a plan, and he is executing it right now. I do not for one minute believe that he is daft enough to not know that he statements this week would devalue the share price of S**** D*****.

I do firmly believe that this was a calculated ploy to lower the value in order to take the company back under his sole control, as I think he is sick and tired on people being able to stick their nose in HIS business.

Mike Ashley is a giant, emotional baby of a man, just ask the folks who used to sit in the singing section or have a read of his “my family were threatened…..honest” statement if you don’t believe me, and it is exactly one of these childlike tantrums that we have seen this week.

Of particular interest to readers of The Mag of course, is not really watching Mike waver between sweating uncomfortably when talking about MPs and offering to step into a boxing ring with them, our interest lays with the soundbites directly related to Newcastle United, and there have been some corkers.

According to Mike, the same guy who was bolting horse and winning trophies not so long ago, he wishes that he had never bought the club, but we are stuck with him and also there is no money left…

Of course, anyone who believes any of that, any more than his pre-West Ham baloney, should immediately have their gullibility bone removed.

The reality is the same as it was before Mike opened his mouth to Sky, the amount of available money for next season is yet to be determined as we have no idea which division we will be playing in, which will of course overwhelmingly dictate that.

Not quite as dramatic as Mike’s “there’s no money left” but it is the truth, and a truth which also applies to Sunderland, Norwich and even the couple of teams above them.

The current situation is of course, despite another of Mike’s “nothing to do with me mate” assertions, the directly attributable result of years of mismanagement and neglect in the name of profits (apologists would term this as “financial stability”), being the only club to make a profit in five consecutive transfer windows is going to take its toll.

We are where we are because opportunities have been spurned in the name of cost saving, any decent players have been sold for a healthy profit, and in the one season where the stars did align and we managed to finish fifth. The response from the owner was to buy only Vurnon Anita and chide the manager for the expense of having to play in the Europa League, unbelievable really but expected from Mike Ashley’s Newcastle United.

The penny-pinching since Ashley’s arrival has led to a whole host of situations which, had they happened at another football club, would be shocking, but as they have happened at Newcastle they are just the next distraction for a club who courts more front pages than back pages.

We had Keegan-Gate, we had Kinnear (twice!), we sacked the manager who got us promoted and replaced him with Mike’s buddy, we’ve been told that we don’t know “how f**king horrible we (they) can be”, we’ve been lied to, disbanded, seen our best players sold at profit repeatedly, seen our history thrown in a skip (literally).
We have broken club records,  seen our team run up a record number of consecutive defeats, a record amount of derby losses, a record amount of goals conceded and a record low of Premier League points, and all in the name of saving money and pushing other business interests of the dark prince of tat.

Reading some loons on here and in the mass media spout the same nonsense about “you can’t argue that he’s really invested this season”, yes you bloody can, it isn’t money that he has generously donated, it’s money that every club has from the TV contracts.

mike ashley

There is no magic formula from Mike here to get the club running in profit, almost every Premier League club is run in profit these days thanks to the massive money on offer, this isn’t 1996 anymore!

If you’re buying into this idiocy then you are giving him credit for getting the club to do something that all but four other Premier League clubs also did last season. The TV contract money is a complete game changer.

Unfortunately, though it now seems that dark clouds are gathering over Mike Ashley’s Midas touch, profits are down and so is his football club, almost. Mike Ashley is in turmoil, how does he claw back his beautiful and beloved money from his failed ventures?

SD is his love child, I see no other course for him than to take it back into sole ownership at the cost of every other shareholder, Newcastle United is a different story though, with a number of possible and plausible endings.

Should the worst happen, and relegation be confirmed, then he could invest to bring the club back at the first time of asking, but this has its drawbacks.

It would have the advantage of making the club a more saleable asset but it would place more of his treasured cash at risk if the incompetents running the day to day make a pig’s ear of it again.

He could sell it as a relegated club, but the value would be significantly diminished and he might (heaven forbid) make a loss on his investment….on paper at least.

Should the club stay up, he could simply carry on as normal, get rid of that Spaniard who seems to think he deserves a say in how things are done, bring in another desperate “yes man”, maybe Tim Sherwood is free?

Or he could sell up, try and get some profit and then have a good laugh at all those stupid “jawdees” whose money he has grabbed, as he wobbles off into the sunset with a wheel barrow full of cash. Either of these scenarios is quite plausible.

Of course, if he favoured none of these scenarios, he could always just foreclose on his personal loan, declare the club bankrupt and be named as the main creditor. He would then be entitled to the lion’s share of funds raised from breaking the club apart and selling the assets, unless a buyer was found.

Whatever Mike plans to do now, we can all be absolutely sure of one thing, he will do whatever is best for Mike Ashley and his money, without a single thought for anyone else affected.

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