So this is what Newcastle United are left with to keep us up…

Home comforts?

West Bromwich

Man City






Travelling misery?









That makes it seven  at home and eight away. The fat lady is having her final extra large kebab and chips and is gargling her three litre bottle of Irn Bru and is readying her larynx to chirp.

So where do we get the points we need? I’m not of a gypsy background and dropped my crystal balls many moons ago – but looking at the games we have left – this is bang in our hands.

Yes, Newcastle United’s current crop of players are about as reliable in getting a result as entrusting Trotters Independent Traders to successfully clean your priceless chandeliers – but surely there is enough to be had from this list?

We are that bleak away I would be inclined to almost write us off getting more than one win and a couple of draws from those eight. If that elusive away win was against Norwich even better. So that’s five points (maybe), just need another 14-15 from ‘Fortress’ SJP.

We have all the rest from the bottom to play in our own backyard but because we are so spectacularly shi*e on the road it’s looking like we will need to win five of those remaining seven…

It might only be the end of January but I see May and the end of the season on the horizon looming large. Larger than Moby Dick’s Y Fronts and twice as fishy.

Out of those five we will HAVE to win is the Mackems, who we have decided to donate six points per season as well as food aid in recent times.

Out of those five we have our very own ex-gaffer Alan Pardew, the perma-grinning, fake-bespectacled greatest brain in hoof ball rowing his boat back up to the grim north on a minor crest of a wave. We have to beat them including Yohan Cabaye.

Swansea HAVE to be beaten too…

Each game a different story. All with an unknown ending.

Who would bet against it coming down to that last game of the season against Spurs.

Let’s hope they are not needing to win it to stay in the top four.

Let’s hope it doesn’t come down to this at all.

Hope doesn’t really come into it. Lads, it’s over to you.

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