Only one man can save Newcastle United now.

Listening to the media it appears the solution to our problem is obvious.

The problems are: not enough English players, not enough premier league experience and a manager who fails to motivate because he failed with the national side. That wasn’t the players fault as they played in the Premiership (the best league in the world, obviously in spite of all the evidence to the contrary).

So forgot Vardy, Mahrez and Ranieri who took us apart, forget Ighalo and Flores at Watford. What we need is proven premier league experience, less foreigners with strange ideas of running with the ball and passing. We need strength, guts and somebody who knows what Only Fools and Horses is.

This formula is applied to all struggling sides but for Newcastle there is an added complication, us the fans.

We think we should win the league every year, foolishly we believe that our huge fan base means we are a fabled “Big Club”. When really you need an oligarch and an empty stadium, or have had a load of pundits play for you in the 80’s.

We also hate anyone southern, especially from London, as they have scary ideas like electricity, suits and free market capitalism.

We need the comfort of a manager we know and love, someone who played for us and knows the city inside out.

So where does this leave the list of candidates?

De Boer is foreign and hasn’t managed or played in the premier league so is doubly rubbish, Redknapp is too southern, Moyes had many years of success with Everton but one season with Man Utd means he’s a terrible manager.

So who then?

Ashley has already tried Keegan and Shearer, so only one man remains.

English, Premier League experience, knows the city inside out. He can score goals, is a target man, he plays the game the proper way.

Who is this man, this legend, who can fulfil the media’s tortured profile of both the perfect manager and player?

I introduce you to the new messiah – Foluwashola “Shola” Ameobi.

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