End of the transfer window at Newcastle United.

It’s a lot like the end of a school term – a natural cut-off point where it’s possible to stand back, look at what’s happened over the last few weeks and months, and assess how well or badly things have gone.

Of course, it’s just the 1st term – the 2nd term up to January is when most of the donkey work gets done; and the 3rd term is where the examinations take place and the final results come in.

But the summer term is where the foundations are put down for the rest of the year.

So, if I can don my Headmaster’s cloak, end of term Reports are as follows:


Ashley is an extremely vexing student. It is clear that he does have certain talents (I am told that he is extremely good at Sports). However, he has a recurring tendency to behave like a complete idiot in class.

Matters became very serious towards the end of last year. I was forced to call him into my study for a serious discussion about his future here.

To give him credit, he appeared to regret some of his previous bad conduct – and, indeed, he promised to turn over a new leaf. To be fair, since then his conduct has improved.

However, I remain concerned that his improved behaviour has come about simply because he was frightened of receiving a caning – and that as soon as that threat is removed, he will revert to his previous intolerable ways of carrying on.

Time will tell. If he can continue to behave like a rational human being, he may be able to turn things round – and he certainly has the resources to do well. But we remain to be convinced.




As a new student, I am sure we are all keen to give McClaren every opportunity to do well. There is though one small cause for concern.

I notice that McClaren has taken to sitting right at the back of the class. Unfortunately, he seems to struggle to see the blackboard and always has to run to the front after a few minutes when it becomes apparent that he is losing track of the lesson. It would probably be better for everyone if he sat at the front right from the start.


I’m sure we all like the cut of young Cathro’s jib – but whenever I see him he has a look on his face as if he’s forgotten to do his homework and is waiting to get found out. Cheer up man – it’s not that bad – yet.


Ah, young Perez – the apple of my eye.

I can’t understand why not everyone seems to appreciate his talents as much as they should.

In my opinion he is the only one of our current crop who could go on to greater things with a place at one of the very top Universities.


Now we aren’t afraid of a bit of rough-and-tumble at this school. We had a previous student called Shearer – you may have heard of him. He wasn’t averse to a bit of the rough stuff – and he did very well for himself (He went on from here to a well-paid job at the BBC don’t you know.)

Anyway, young Mitrovic needs to learn a thing or two from Shearer’s example – if you’re going to put the boot in, be a bit more subtle – do it when no one’s looking for heaven’s sake.

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