With Steve McClaren expected to take up the Newcastle job in the next day or two, what can we expect in the near future?

On past form and what we have come to expect from the Mike Ashley regime in general, here are the exciting times we have coming up at St James’ Park.

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Apologies in advance if any of the news stories below are treading on anybody’s exclusives in the coming days…:

Stage One:

‘Newcastle United  have today officially announced that Steve McClaren is the new Head Coach at St James Park. The former England boss takes over from John Carver who now once again takes over the reins as number two, Lee Charnley thanking him for the great job he did (in nearly getting Newcastle relegated) in very difficult circumstances (Mike Ashley not appointing a proper manager and selling more players in January instead of buying them).’

Stage Two:

‘Steve McClaren took stock of the squad he inherited and after long discussions with John Carver and the rest of the (same old) coaching staff, emerged to say how impressed he was with the set-up and pleasantly surprised at the strength of the NUFC squad.’

Stage Three:

‘We can reveal that high powered meetings are planned this week for Steve McClaren and the rest of the crack transfer team to identify the signings needed to take United to another level.’

Stage Four:

‘We can reveal that talks went on well into the night as new Newcastle boss Steve McClaren met Graham Carr and Lee Charnley to thrash out the transfer targets he believes will revitalise United’s challenge in the coming season.’

Stage Five:

‘Steve McClaren is believed to have been very happy after the transfer summit and it is understood Mike Ashley is backing his new top man with significant funds, with Charlie Austin top of the list.’

Stage Six:

‘Newcastle United have been rocked by the news that United have been pipped for their top transfer target Charlie Austin, by Swansea/Southampton/West Ham. McClaren though is said to be supportive of Mike Ashley’s strategy of not being held to ransom by greedy players or clubs.’

Stage Seven:

‘Gabriel Obertan is flying in training.’