Straight in at number one (in the ridiculous stakes) is a Newcastle transfer story that would only make sense if you thought that Mike Ashley would behave in exactly the opposite way to how you’d expect.

The Daily Star claim that Steve McClaren is going to bring Ashley Cole to Newcastle United.

The reasoning being that the former England and Chelsea player isn’t happy at AS Roma, despite them finishing second and qualifying for the Champions League (Thanks to Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa scoring against derby rivals Lazio).

It is of course understandable why Ashley Cole would be unhappy, he didn’t play at all for the final three months of the season and only played 11 Serie A matches all season.

Wor Cheryl’s former love interest instead sat on the bench unused for the other 27 league matches, so it wasn’t even injury that ever prevented him playing.

With a year left on his contract, Ashley Cole now faces the reality of not playing next season, as he is behind both Vasilis Torøosidis and Jose Holebas.

So understandable from the player’s point of view why he might fancy a move back to the Premier League but….

Ashley Cole turns 35 in December, Mike Ashley would have to pay him a level of wages where he would become Newcastle’s top earner, it would unsettle our better players who would be on less, obviously no resale value…and the list goes on.

I haven’t got a clue as to which players (if any…) Newcastle will eventually sign but I suppose it is at least of some comfort that we won’t be seeing the Newcastle owner’s Cashley namesake at St James Park next season.