A Newcastle fans group has demanded protection from John Carver.

The supporters wish to remain anonymous in case they have the misfortune to wander into St. James’ Park and come within shouting distance of the Newcastle Head Coach, or within sight of his team playing football.

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However, at a secret meeting the United supporters relaxed enough to explain their terror at the hands of Carver and have asked to be shielded from the following nightmare-inducing activity from Pardew’s former assistant…

Team selection

Blaming the tea lady for getting beat by Sunderland

Players playing out of position


Naming and shaming individual players


Criticising lowly paid stewards



Abusing the fans

Even keener than Pardew to spout Mike Ashley’s propaganda

Vivid imagination of what happens during each defeat compared to reality

Accepting his team are rubbish at defending set-plays rather than doing something about it

Accepting his team are rubbish at attacking set-plays rather than doing something about it

Blaming the fans for contributing to the defeat against Spurs

Promising to play his strongest team in FA Cup then leaving out all the best players

The Newcastle fans have now formally asked the club that stewards are positioned to prevent John Carver accessing the training ground and St. James’ Park to prevent any repeat of the appalling behaviour above.

The supporters fear that unless immediate action is taken, there is every chance that Carver’s behaviour will escalate with untold consequences for all Newcastle fans.

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