Man City 5 Newcastle 0   Saturday 21 February 5.30pm

I think this is very likely the most expensive match I have ever been to.

I have paid slightly more at the likes of Chelsea but not for the match to end just as my bum was first touching the seat.

27 seconds for the 2015 version of unfunny comedy duo Little and Large to hand the game on a plate to the home side, before most Man City players had even touched the ball.

Yes, Anita and Williamson managed to turn a simple defensive clearance into a penalty, which meant I really should have just got straight back up and walked out of the ground, as the game was already up.

Much as like I used to wonder how Little & Large got on prime time TV back in the day, it is honestly laughable that Williamson and Anita are stealing a living from us.

They are truly useless and their French cousin Yoan Gouffran is the final part of this crippling trio. I know that the stats are truly terrible when all three have played in the team together and little wonder, they are the end product of Ashley refusing to invest the profits on players, while the better players leave and the rubbish remains. That is how you end up with (at least) three players who are nowhere near Premier League quality in your team.

Anyway, a shellshocked United actually had a couple of minutes of decent play before City made it a predictable 2-0. Janmaat had put one close before a good passing move left Nasri unmarked in the middle of the box to lash it home past Krul. Only 12 minutes gone – this is going to be a long 90 minutes.

On 28 minutes a flighted ball saw Coloccini fail to cut it out and it drifted over his head to Dzeko, who to be fair chesteted down and smashed it home in expert fashion. However, it was a pretty appalling effort from our Captain to try and prevent it.

Half-time was reached without any further embarrassment but it was nothing really to do with the efforts by Newcastle players, it was more the home players acting a bit like a pride of lions who know they can take that limping antelope any time they want.

The highlight of the match actually came only seconds after the restart, Sissoko’s ball from the right saw Papiss Cisse meet it with a sublime left foot volley from distance, Joe Hart having to pull off a decent save.

This obviously woke the lions up because they finished our limping antelopes off with two goals in as many minutes. David Silva might be a good player but the lack of cover and marking didn’t help as he scored a quick double.

I think anybody watching would accept that if Man City had had to score double figures they probably would have, instead they wound the game down with Barcelona on the Tuesday in mind.

For the second match in a row only one effort on target and then terrible defending on top of that today.

Villa is up next and is a game where John Carver certainly can’t claim his players are up against superstars, as he suggested had been the case today.

These are the key stats as provided by BBC Sport;

Possession was 43% Newcastle and 57% Man City

Total shots was 8 for Newcastle and Man City 16

Shots on target was Newcastle 1 and Man City 9

While corners was Newcastle 3 and Man City 7

Team: Krul, Janmaat (Ryan Taylor 71), Coloccini, Williamson, Haidara, Colback, Sissoko, Anita (Abeid 46), Gouffran (Obertan 86), Cisse, Perez

Unused Subs: Woodman, Ameobi, Armstrong, Riviere

Ref: Chris Foy

Crowd: 45,602