Wednesday 30th November 2011

Newcastle United are soon to be renamed S****s D***** Athletics and Football Team, or Sports D.A.F.T. as Mike Ashley looks to obtain even more exposure for his retail empire.

After smarmy Decca went back on his promise that St. James’ Park would never be consigned to the history books, his new motto has become “Never Say Never” as they reveal they can’t rule out further changes.

Demba Ba is thought to be upset at discovering his name could be changed via deed poll due to an unnoticed insertion in the small print of his contract.  His high profile scoring exploits so far could mean further potential exposure when commentators are forced to say “What a finish by S****s D*****”. He remains optimistic that his absence in January for the African Cup of Nations will put them off since there are currently no associated retail outlets in Africa.

However, Demba is hoping that should the devious duo follow up this option, they change his first name to ‘Shearer’s’ in an attempt to signpost people towards the ground’s only public watering hole.  It is unclear though if John Motson stating, “Another fantastic performance from Shearer’s Ba”, actually breaches advertising law of alcohol in England.

The opportunity to play in blue and red stripes is another marketing ploy under review, although this will only be considered for away games.  The traditional black and white stripes will remain for home games due to the potential of painting the pitch red with blue markings instead of the conventional green grass with white lines.  “Playing in colours the same as the pitch isn’t practical.  That would just be ridiculous and has no advertising benefit as the strip wouldn’t stand out.  That’s why we’ll just put our name on the front instead”, a club insider claimed.

Sports D.A.F.T. also denied that new members of the Junior Magpies will be forced to register under the name of Michael, Mike, Mickey or Fatty.  Instead they will be able to keep their birth name provided parents commit to a 15 year deal to only purchase cheap clothing from the club’s retail merchant.

Of course none of this is true…yet!!  However, since I am claiming copyright on these proposals as of today I will be forced to charge any rotund owner large sums of money which I will then be able to reinvest in the team, rather than allow to be frittered away on casual gambling and boozy male bonding strip shows.

Heard any good rumours lately?